BLOG: Don’t be a Bystanders: How to Turn Onlookers into Upstanders

Bullying typically involves others besides the tormentor and his or her target, and numerous peers are often aware of the bullying, and they must choose how to respond. The choice comes down to playing one of three roles: perpetrator, bystander, or upstander. I am a believer in the power of developing kids to understand what it means to be an upstander and I believe that we need to eliminate the role of the “Bystander” altogether.

To more clearly define the roles to be discussed: • Perpetrators join in the bullying, escalate the harassment, or initiate new attacks on the target later.

• Bystanders attempt to remain uninvolved in the situation, often by looking on silently or finding an excuse to walk away.
• Upstanders take action to oppose the bullying in some way. They might intervene directly and tell the tormentors to stop, but they need not put themselves at risk in order to be helpful. Upstanders might also respond in other ways such as making friends with the targeted student or seeking help from adults.
• Most students in a classroom or school do not bully others regularly and are not victimized by bullies, but that does not stop bullying from happening. A common misconception about these student ‘bystanders’ though, is that they typically remain neutral or try to support the victim when they see bullying occurring. Unfortunately, the truth is that students who observe bullying are much more likely to encourage or assist the bully than to attempt to help the victim!

Furthermore, in situations in which a group of students is bullying a child, bystanders may actively join in by taunting, teasing, or ostracizing the victim. Teachers are often surprised when they see a group of otherwise-friendly children egging on a bully or engaging in bullying behaviors themselves. One explanation for why bystanders may cross the line to help bullies is that, as part of a group, bystanders may feel less accountable for their individual actions.  Another possibility is that bystanders feel justified in bullying the victim because they have come to believe that he or she ‘deserves’ such treatment.

Holding upstanders accountable for their behavior in bullying situations, reinforcing that they are the first line of defense, allows them to have positive direction in knowing how to get involved. Oftentimes children are not sure what to do in the moment they see bullying, and sometimes doing nothing is the easiest answer. I teach kids to learn what different situations they may encounter and then help them to role play to learn what the different options are. Seeing mock bullying, and then being able to discuss what the best actions are to take, allows children to respond instead of react when it really counts.

In and out of school, I encourage adults to facilitate group activities to encourage bystanders to develop positive relationships with potential victims, increasing the chances that they will be upstanders if a bullying situation arises.

Here are simple ideas for working with kids to become upstanders:

• Ensure that they understand the definition of “Bullying.” Children may not always know when their behavior crosses the line and becomes bullying.
• Create shared expectations for appropriate conduct and to build a common understanding of what behaviors should be defined as bullying.
• Create a shared definition for bullying with the class or with siblings by having them identify behaviors that are ‘bullying’ behaviors. List these behaviors on the board or somewhere in the house. If students focus only on examples of direct bullying, remind them not to overlook indirect bullying (e.g., gossip, excluding others from a group).Tell children that when you see examples of bullying occurring, you plan to intervene to keep the classroom and home a safe and friendly place for everyone.

With appropriate instruction and guidance bystanders can be empowered to take an active role in preventing bullying from occurring and to report bullying to adults when it does take place, becoming upstanders. To ‘win over’ bystanders to make them upstanders (what I would consider bully-prevention agents), the teacher and adults can make bystanders aware that their own behavior can encourage or discourage bullying, letting them know that they can and should become upstanders.

By teaching tools and phrases that upstanders can use to intervene when they witness bullying, my workshop gives practical concepts to help kids understand the role and importance of being an upstander. Building this role up as one of a leader, friend, and hero, I believe that we can make it “cool” for kids to be upstanders, and build an army to disengage bullying before it starts.

http://www.textkills.com

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The cost of 8 Staple Centers filled with “Bully Bait” every day

The OC Register has a group of writers that cater towards “OC Moms” and though I am not a mom by a long shot, I still enjoy reading their articles. One that Jo Ashline wrote takes a crack at discussing the difference between the perceived notion of bullying in the media, in contrast with the harsh reality that many kids face, and points to a very interesting and often used statistic from the National Educational Association. I want to explore a new way to look at this statistic.

It is interesting to think of the scene that’s played out in hundreds of television and movie scripts over the years: a helpless, scrawny kid gets teased relentlessly by an overgrown underachiever, after which a montage set to inspirational music of the victimized protagonist learning some sweet self-defense moves flashes across the screen. Eventually our young character feels confident enough to stand up to the mean kid, able to resolve the conflict with a heartfelt speech about acceptance and a PG-rated joke at the bully’s expense. The bully sulks off in defeat and the young boy is applauded as a hero, his newfound fame among his peers a symbol of his courageous plight. As Jo points out, unfortunately, for approximately one in four school-aged children across the nation, the reality of bullying is far more devastatingly complicated.

According to the National Education Association, it’s estimated that over 160,000 children refuse to go to school each day due to the fear associated with being bullied; that’s nearly 15 percent of all kids enrolled in school across the nation.

I have seen this statistic used in many articles and blogs about school bullying. It is quite powerful when looking at a snapshot of the nation and the effect bullying has on schools. One Hundred and sixty thousand kids, really? Let’s put that in perspective by seeing how many times over these children would fill up the Staples Center in LA. For basketball, the capacity is 19,079; for hockey it is 18,118. For concerts and other special events, the capacity nears 20,000 guests, depending on the set-up of the event, so let’s assume 20,000 to be conservative. So every day, imagine 8 Staple Centers filled to max capacity with “bully bait.”

These kids will end up going back to school, only to let the next shift of kids making excuses or faking being sick to take their seat in one of the virtual seats in one of the hypothetical 8 Staple Centers. One backlash that may not be so apparent is the amount of money that the schools are losing in state funding. Schools are paid per kid from the state based on Average Daily Attendance. The state evaluates attendance by taking an average of students over a period of time, and based on enrollment, and school size, the accounting of lost funding to the school is approximately $40 dollars a day per kid. Sow think of each parent who’s kid who is avoiding school, attending one of the hypothetical 8 Staples Centers, as having to pay $40 dollars back to the schools to counterbalance the loss created. That is a staggering $6.4 million dollars that schools are losing every day. It is no wonder that there is a push from Michelle Obama, all the way to each school’s PTA, to take steps to make kids feel safe at school. There is no one solution, or magic pill that can be distributed, but instead the practical solution is small steps at local levels, and involvement of parents, students, and teachers alike to educate, communicate, and work collectively. I believe that efforts like our Free Bully Buster OC Workshop, are key building blocks to help stop bullying before it starts.

http://www.BullyBusterUSA.org

http://www.textkills.com

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Fire in the eyes for a black belt: How Kids in Karate learn life lessons

As a kid’s martial arts instructor,  I’ve seen some incredible things, and kids seem to always shed light into the pure human condition.  I’ve seen kids who couldn’t sit still for 30 seconds learn to stay calm and relaxed for HOURS.   I’ve seen kids who are used to F’s, take pride in seeking straight A’s from the discipline they got from martial arts.  But recently, this past Friday at a belt test, I saw something that just stopped me in my tracks.

I saw a six-year old get his yellow belt (that’s the second belt in the ranking system).  After he put it on, he looked over at his other classmates and around the room, and everyone was cheering.  The atmosphere was very positive, and there were many proud parents.  I’m pretty sure that he felt like he’d just climbed Mt. Everest, and then he looked over in my direction.   And I caught his eye, and then saw him look down to and back up at my eyes, and when they returned, I knew what he was looking at.  He was looking at my black belt, and the look in his eyes showed me that he would do whatever it took to get his own black belt someday.  His eyes told me that he got a taste of what it felt like to reach his goal of getting his next belt, and I realized that that six-year old learned something most people never do in their whole lives: how to set a goal, and go for it with everything you’ve got.  So when I say martial arts are about more than self-defense, this is a great example what I’m talking about.

Sometimes Kids just need some purpose to seek, to make them feel like they are part of something, and Karate can create this environment and sense of purpose.  Kids who are home playing video games by themselves, I believe are too far removed from interaction that will teach them crucial interpersonal skills, and limits the opportunity for goal setting and achieving.  Those kids who have a good group of friends are less likely to be singled out and be targets of bullies, and this support group is inherent in a Karate class.  I know that when I was bullied, martial arts gave me an avenue to express my anger in a positive way, and it gave me the same fire in my eyes that I saw from the new Yellow belt.  I followed my drive to get my black belt, and have confidence that he will too.